Toilet Talk

It's not a toilet but it is a weiner on a stick!

So being foreign in Japan or being known as ‘guy-jing’ means a lot of social talk often resorts to ohhhhh the toilets!

It’s the peak of the summer currently high 30 degrees, no air-con apart from the large department stores. When you go to the toilet you peel off your tights, which as horrible as its sounds, are usually stuck to you and damp with sweat (lovely I know) before you know it you find your bum seated on a heated toilet seat. I mean why in god’s name do you want to sit on an uncomfortably warm (I would even say its very warm) seat when your way too hot as it is. Really baffles me, it’s not a nice feeling what so ever. Wait until the winter and I’ll probably be singing its praise though!

Looking at a Japanese toilet can be quite scary, the buttons, lights and noises can mean that you are risking a lot actually using it. Obviously unable to understand any of the kanji on the buttons means it takes me a few minutes to find how to flush them, I am constantly aware that I could end up pressing a bum washer button and everything I put in the toilet would therefore come straight back at me. Not too keen on making this happen for obvious reasons. So toilet time can be seriously stressfull and opting for the pit in the floor toilets can sometimes be a welcoming option to turn to.

I haven’t been brave enough to try out most of these buttons which accompany the toilets but I’ve been told that they have a various degree of strength for the bum washers. Some would lift you off the toilet others just give a sprinkle tinkle, some have soap built in and sometimes even perfume. There are then the noise making buttons, Japanese ladies are very conscious of others listening to them peeing and so they have buttons for distractions. Can you imagine pee-ing and then puff daddy just starts blasting from the loo! Some are flushing noises, others musical instruments or natural river/sea sounds. Still you go to the toilet for a reason and everyone knows what you are about to do so I’m not sure how effective these ladies believe the noises to be. One lady I heard of is a senior in a business and is so aware of people watching/listening to her that when she uses the bathroom she constantly flushes the toilet, extreme waste of water really.

When going to the bathroom in a public area I am sometimes offered a queue skip. Seriously polite thing to do, clearly everyone else needs to do their business, I try very hard to explain that I’m happy to wait my turn like a normal human but when it happens they are so persistant they won’t use the bathroom until I do. I am like the toilet QUEEN SHEEBA, or maybe I just look like I need to do my p-diddy thing really badly, who knows!

Whilst talking with people about all these bizarre contraptions I hear that the latest is the doctor toilet. So you do your thing, the toilet analyze your business and if something is wrong will send the report to your doctor, genuise creation!

Also another clever trick these kids have mastered is the toilet/sink combo. The water you fill the cistern with you use to wash your hands, very conservative :) Home toilets usually have a little bowl on top of the toilet for this. I only realized that’s what it’s for after much toilet talk with other foreigners! I just thought it was a nice little water fountain and kept travelling to the kitchen to wash my hands…..much to learn you see

Water sink saver